Blues of Motherhood

I always thought I could manage it and have it all. And I did. For some time. Then, on my daughter's 11th birthday, I couldnt be there. It killed me. Then, her studies started to decline. She's a bright kid, but misses a lot of school due to her asthma. She makes up for it if I'm around (or my husband -- when I was travelling, he taught her, and the marks demonstrate it). But when we cant, and ask her if she'll cope, she always says yes. But she cant. Poor girl. Dont blame her.
For 11 years, I haven't ever felt guilty about leaving my kid to the maids. Today, when the quality of her education suffers, I do. And we are those kinds of parents who are fine with average marks -- average marks that really mean average -- 60%, no more. But yet, the joy and pride AND ego of a parent whose kid gets 85-90%, which our daughter gets when we hand hold her -- is a lot to give away for letting her just cope on her own and get a 60% (except in subjects where she is a natural).
It's a tough call. Many friends (read mothers) have quit working in these crucial years. Is that the right way to go, when you have taught your child to be responsible and independent? When I look back, my marks have never counted -- I'm doing very different stuff from what I studied for anyway. So is my husband.
So I wonder -- how much of this dilemma worth it in the long run?

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ..."You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ..."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ..."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ..."How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ..."You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

A Mother is a Woman too

Last week, I felt the need to break off. Break off from the responsibility of running the home, being a mother, being a working person. I just wanted to be a woman.

Small things started irritating me. When I wake up, my household help always asks me what she should make for dinner. Everyday I tell her. But last week, I didn't want to take a decision. I felt like saying, "Why should I tell you? I don't care!" But I couldn't. It wasn't her fault that I was crabby. I shirked the responsibility by passing it on for a day to my husband and daughter. But it came back the next day to irritate me.

Then I began getting irritated at home work, questions that my daughter would normally ask, like could she go to her friend's house, or what should she take for a school snack. I again wanted to say, "Decide and move on, don't bother me!" but I didn't. I gently nudged her to take a decision instead.

I even got irritated when she complained of stomach ache after a binge of eating junk. It was like it was my fault even after I had told her a million times that she shouldn't binge on junk food. I snapped at her. And felt lousy about it.

That's when I took the decision to take a break from being a mommy. I just packed my bags, and went out of town. Only for day (5 pm to 5 pm the next day). Just to feel like a woman without any commitments.

Even though I just joined my husband, we got together and hung out like we used to, when we were courting each other. Just for that day. It was romantic, there were no household discussions or decisions to be made, there was no child. Just a man & woman, re-exploring and re-discovering one another.

I just came back. Fresh and charged about being a mom and running a house. Completely at ease, not irritations, no frustrations.

It worked for me. Try it someday. It will make you feel like a woman again...

Developing a culture of work

Parul has brought out what most of us know via her comments. We're most likely first generation working women, and don't imbibe a culture of working moms. And that's why, the guilt of being away from our children eats at us.

While in India, we seem like we'll go the way the Alpha moms are going in the US (drawing a balance between work & home), it's essential that we ensure that our kids inherit a culture of working moms. It's the one way our daughters will use the brains God gave them, and the education we ensured they got. It's also the only way our sons will respect their partners' decisions to work, instead of taking it for granted that if they're earning enough, the woman doesnt 'need' to.

This need to work isnt just financial. It's cerebral, emotional, physical. It builds our confidence to be able to take on the world, travel and meet people of different cultures, and somewhere, pass on richer experiences to our children.

And while we're at it, add to the rocking GDP of a rocking nation! Happy 60th birthday, India. The Super Moms will ensure you remain Super...

Guilty Working Moms

My friend Mona shared her guilt trips about being a Working Mommy. She has two adorable kids, a hectic job that keeps her travelling often and a mad attitude towards the world at large.

When she began talking, I realised that after a long time I sensed her excitement, her nostalgia, even though she was driving and I was on her speaker phone.

She described her experiences and she was emotional and hilarious all at once, and the incidents she narrated to me in hindsight seem both touching and funny. Here are two of them, posted by her, and all of us working mommies can relate to her sense of hysteria!

Follow her madness, and read on. Also, post your guilt trips that may or may not look logical together... But what the hell... Lets laugh & cry together...

The curve could become a bump!

We went out for lunch from office. Post 30, a woman's BMR is so delicate, we have to always watch what we eat. And balance out at another meal soon enough, preferably the next one. But having had a delicious Fri afternoon lunch, and the impending Fri night drinks & evening sessions with friends and family, I know I won't be able to balance it out for another two meals at least!

What do you do? On guys, intake = output, i.e. the amount you eat Vs the amount you exercise gets evened out. In the case of women, that's definitely not true. I know for a fact because I eat 1400 - 1500 calories day, and work out 45-50 mins 4-5 days a week. I burn about 300 calories during my work out, and about 1200 - 1500 calories during my normal work routine which is not sedentary. By that logic, I should be losing weight regularly, if you do the maths.

But I've stayed constant for the last 8 + yrs. What about you? I'm definitely looking for some answers (the weekend is a good time to googling some of them), so look out for some answers/findings on Mon.

And I'll also look forward to those of you who will post some advise on the above & your experiences.

Losing the curves

Welcome to the Super Moms Club!

Very often, the slimmer moms and the still-frustrated-at-curves moms get together to share coping with the biggest life altering change in our lives. And for working moms, it isn't just the curves that refuse to go. The skin, hair, back, energy levels are some of the other victims of motherhood, apart from the guilt at going back to work and leaving the gurgle of joy behind with help at home.

I've been a mom for 10 years, and have managed to get back soon enough, in terms of work, life, weight, exercise, balance, lack of guilt, without letting my other parts (including brains!) suffer. And I know many others who have. But everyday, I encounter and advise many who're still struggling with getting back in shape and not being able to draw that tough balance, which the more experienced moms have. So I thought it would be great to share what we've learnt, and what others need to know without experimenting on themselves, hence this blog. I will be adding Tools to deal with Post Baby fat, the right vitamins, exercises that work, as we go along...

Write to me with your experiences that have worked or need working on (you may have a specific problem that needs a special solution - physical or emotional), and I could help you with getting where you want to with a little less effort, and quickly. And post your comments/write in if it's worked for you, so that other moms can learn from your experiences!

It's what moms can do for other moms easily. Welcome to the Super Moms Club! Start now by sharing your needs & experiences!